An inconvenient truth:
What I am going to talk about here is bound to be a very unpopular opinion among many. Be that as it may, I’m still going to say it:
The concept of the “Twin Flame” as it is commonly presented, is complete bullshit.
There. I said it. Scoffers can stop reading now if you’re offended. However if you’re not completely affronted, by all means read on.
I’m sure you must be wondering where this assertion came from. After I woke up this morning with a nice big stretch, I sat up, did my few minutes of morning meditation and found I had a few minutes to spare; and what better time killer is there than to scroll through Facebook? Someone had re posted an article titled “Dealing With Your Twin Flame’s Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hide Personas during the runner and separation stages (what’s really going on)”
I was admittedly taken aback by the title, and I clicked on the link. Here are some of the choice quotes I happened upon:
Meeting your Twin Flame is one of the most earth shattering life changing events that a person can encounter in their lifetime. Once you have tasted the depth of a Twin Flame connection and love, your appetite is basically ruined for anything else. Everyone that comes after the encounter with your Twin Flame seems like Mac Donalds junkfood, compared to four star chef prepared organic haute cuisine that makes the saliva rush to your mouth in pure anticipation…
Another part continues:
When I flew out to be with my twin in India at the end of 2015, he had strategically placed a meaningless affair between me and his heart. The night he came clean about fleeing into an affair even though he had just before he had hooked up with this other girl, pulled me closer to him, he said something interesting besides the fact that he didn’t have the deep connection with her that he felt with me. He confessed that he didn’t allow himself to love me, like he wants to love me…
I narrowed my eyes while in my mind (and I believe aloud) thought;
“Is she serious?”
I took a moment to compose myself, not wanting to fall into the mode of contempt prior to investigation, and then continued reading only to see:
There might be some slight variation in this, but generally Twin Flame connections are not colored by abuse. So don’t ever make a Twin Flame connection a reason to accept abuse, because abuse is NEVER acceptable.
And I agree wholeheartedly, but there are too many contradictions here. My head started spinning, and after reading the author’s Twin Flame’s “explanation” of his behavior:
When we are together it feels so amazing, everything is as it should be when you and I are close. But when I am alone, my mind starts taking over and I get lost in my own negative thinking and I don’t see how we can ever be together for good.
I completely lost it.
This was not the first time I had heard of Twin Flames or Twin Flame connections, I had scrolled past articles on the subject before and from what I gathered it seemed like a rehash of the Soul Mate (or as the case may be, this is a soul mate connection only deeper). Again, I didn’t want to judge based on one article, so I read more on the subject. Further research gave me no comfort whatsoever. As I read of what the hallmarks of a “twin flame” are, all I could think in my head was:
Idealization, Devaluation, Discard, Hoover… over and over again they flipped through my head like the index cards in an old Rolodex. I had to consult an expert. I quickly copied the link to the article cited above and emailed author and blogger HG Tudor to ask for his take on this. His reply:
[The article is] “Utterly wrong, dangerous and mis-leading in its content. Talk about failing not only to recognize narcissism when it is so obvious but then dressing it up in a way to make it seem okay and surmountable”
Needless to say I was unsurprised by his answer.
As I did my research, I found the hallmarks of the “Twin Flame” connection and they seem to all follow the same basic guidelines:
- The relationship progresses quickly and intensely with great harmony…..at first
- The “runner” of the twin flame tends to bring out the worst in the “chaser”
- The “runner” is prone to insults, affairs and all manner of unacceptable behavior because they are resistant to the all-encompassing, perfect love of the other flame
- They leave (or one the other escapes unable to deal with the “mirroring of the other twin flame”)
- The “runner” re-enters your life over and over again
These hallmarks are a parallel to the “love bombing” that occurs during narcissistic idealization, the “runner and chaser” dynamic that occurs during devaluation and discard, and the sporadic “reunions” with narcissistic hoovering. Others, it seems, have made this correlation, but I feel more voices must be added to this chorus.
Yes, there is a dangerous dance that occurs between The Empath and The Narcissist. I do agree that in many ways we are the opposite sides of the same coin. What separates the two is that what The Empath does possess (compassion, empathy, kindness, a desire to help, intuitiveness etc.) are traits The Narcissist pretends to possess in order to ensnare The Empath. If you think about it, it is the great backward compliment. A narcissist will reflect your greatest qualities in order to appear to be just like you. Unfortunately, they don’t possess these qualities themselves. There is a “push/pull” dynamic that takes over while The Empath is being devalued and finally discarded only to be followed by another “golden period” when The Narcissist hoovers The Empath back.
I suggest you do your own research on being entangled with a narcissist. Once you do, I am sure you will agree that there is nothing to romanticize here. Try as you might (and many have), you will NEVER love the beast back into a prince before the rose beneath the glass wilts. The only thing you will find wilting is yourself, your dignity and in many cases your bank account. These entanglements (because that is what they are, these are NOT, I repeat NOT relationships) are rife with emotional and often times physical abuse. They may teach us a great deal about ourselves, but they are not healthy. Granted, even the healthiest of relationships have their challenges, but they are built on love (either platonic or romantic), they are for the most part honest (no one is perfect, or perfectly honest), there is reciprocity and do not cause intentional harm. Healthy relationships are built between people who are accountable for their own actions and can admit their faults. None of these things are possible with The Narcissist.
Trial by Fire
I began this blog to break from the perpetual watering down of what being an Empath is. Yes, we are gifted with our knowing and our abilities, much the way a musician, a painter or an architect are gifted. Beethoven looked at instruments and heard The 9th Symphony, DiVinci looked at a canvas and saw the Mona Lisa, William F. Lamb looked at a empty lot in Manhattan and saw The Empire State Building, Empaths look at the world and see unwavering truth, even when we wish we didn’t. We see a dark side of humanity that very few are able to stomach or accept. Still, acceptance does not mean we are predestined to tolerate being victimized in any way, and I will not keep silent while an entire community perpetuates the acceptance of the unacceptable. Propagating these ideas is flagrantly irresponsible.
Being an Empath does not mean a life of resignation to the bad behavior of others in order to “heal” them. It is neither our destiny nor our responsibility to “heal” anyone accept ourselves. We may be in a position to aid in the process, but the bulk of the work is in the hands of each individual, and we CANNOT under any circumstances “love” someone enough to change. I literally throw up in my mouth a little bit every time someone utters that nonsense. People change for one reason and one reason alone, because THEY want to.
And by the way, if you’re hoping your “love” will change someone. You don’t actually love them. This is the white lighter’s way of back dooring into controlling someone else, plain and simple. You want this person to change to suit your own purposes, because YOU want them in YOUR life and on YOUR terms. Them not changing their hurtful behavior causes you discomfort, as it should. The response to that discomfort should not be to love more or try harder in the hopes that one day they will change when they clearly don’t want to (or in many instances, as with a narcissist, cannot). You want to see a true change in someone? Love yourself. You’ll find that those who would seek to take advantage of you or harm you either don’t last very long or steers clear altogether.
Another thing; bearing the brunt of another’s volatile behavior does not help us heal. We heal when we stop allowing such behavior, validate our worthiness and celebrate our strength. It means that sometimes we have to be the bad guy and call people out on their bullshit, including ourselves whether as individuals or as a community. I don’t care if you call yourself an indigo, starchild, lightworker on a completely organic vegan diet with perfectly aligned chakras. I don’t care if you practice Reiki, witchcraft, shamanism or hell if you perform exorcisms. I don’t care what confounded conglomeration of new age terms you define yourself by. If you in any way encourage any person to remain in a this type of dynamic with another person, you are a negligent charlatan. If you are involved in this type of dynamic, I strongly urge you to seek any help you can to break free. It is difficult and painful, but most importantly it is possible.
Please, for the love of all things sacred, do not espouse yourself to the belief that because of your gift you deserve the mistreatment of another person. You can empathize with someone and keep yourself out of harms way. You can love from a distance. You can forgive past transgressions without allowing the behavior to ever effect you again. In fact, you don’t even have to forgive immediately. Sometimes, we need to be angry, not to remain that way or become bitter, but to motivate ourselves to change. Anger is a great motivator, especially when used constructively. Those “negative” emotions that they’ve tried to take from us are not meant to be wallowed in, but they are meant. Pain, whether emotional or physical is a warning that something is wrong. Anger is a natural and acceptable reaction to a violation of or a threat to our well being. We ARE entitled to dignity and respect, we ARE allowed to get pissed off, especially when pissed on, we ARE within our right to protect ourselves and those we are charged with caring for, and woe to anyone who tries to turn my battle cries into bleating.