Beating Retreat

“Battle Weary” Gary Ferguson – TK Productions 2015

As the days of COVID spring come to a close, amidst civil unrest and great uncertainty, the time has come for beating retreat.

Battles of late have re aggravated old injuries, and a time of recovery and reflection are at hand.

As I had gone deeper into shadow work, I had come across a name for my pain; the poison in Chiron’s wound:

Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

While shedding a great deal of light on what I have been dealing with of late, the recovery process feels about as comfortable as unanesthetically removing a grapefruit sized tumor from the core of my being with a spork. Fortunately, I have a great deal of support.

Many have asked if they can be helpful and how, which I also appreciate. The difficulty here will be telling some of those who are well meaning to stay away.

If you’re unfamiliar with Cptsd, feel free to do your own research. For the purpose of this post I will tell you that trauma and abandonment are at its core. While I appreciate the well wishers and the offers for assistance, the criteria has become much more narrow in scope. Anything that draws me back into situations that remind me of that which I am trying to recover from are anathema to my needs presently. Not everyone can offer me the stability, consistency, and/or reasonable level of certainty I currently require. I don’t blame them, nor do I feel they have wronged me or let me down. Sometimes, things are as they are. Nonetheless, I need what I need and I have very little room to negotiate at this time.

The process will no doubt be a long one, not to mention daunting. I am, however, optimistic. I have a sneaking suspicion that as I progress on this path there will be a great deal of revelation and healing. What’s more is that as I go through these processes, I intend to write a great deal more. Authoring is not a panacea, however, it has always been a great means of catharsis. I plan on sharing more of my creative work as well as chronicling my journey. Part of my recovery entails opening up more, as I tend to withdrawal as a way to cope. Part of quieting my often boisterous inner critic is to affirm that my thoughts, feelings and experiences are not only valid, but may also be of some value to others who are in the same boat.

So, with this, dear readers, I ask for your well wishes, and your eyes;

as often as you can spare them.

In the meantime, it’s back to headquarters.

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